You are still hurting me.

Today is a very wonderful day. God is answering my prayers, giving me a peace, and contentment I have been seeking for so long.

I could get very overwhelmed right now with the thought of so many different things: Unpacked bags, messy house, empty fridge, empty bank account, lack of understanding for my math homework, lack of group cooperation for my marketing presentation due tomorrow, lack of sleep…

But I’m looking Higher. I am counting my blessings and resting in His peace. Trying to live each and every moment in worship. Every time I want to complain, or break down, i’m stopping to just give Him glory.

This past week I have been giving a lot of prayer about what direction the Lord would have next for me. Finally realizing how long I have been trying to do this by my ‘own strength,’ my ’own ways,’ and getting absolutely no where. I gave up. Today when I got home from the airport I had a package from my best friend, Marijke. It was a Kari Jobe cd. I lied in bed and put it on. This cd isn’t the best musically, in my own opinion, but her heart..Her worship..Her prayers..It was everything I have been feeling. I lied in bed and let the words, promises, prayers, cries serenade over me. Reciting every word to my God in my own way. I wanted the words to really become my heart. I fell asleep to worship, it was beautiful. A place I haven’t rested or walked in for a long time. Tonight I went to Mezzanine. It was all about thankfulness. Pastor Matt talked about how when we have a thankful heart, there is a peace that comes as well..

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus”|
(Phil 4)

Thankfulness is a great way to fight negativity, frustration, anxiety. It allows God’s peace to enter your heart. I needed to hear that badly. Earlier in the week he asked people what they were thankful for. I wrote on Mezzanine’s Facebook page this,

“I’m thankful for moments when i’m reminded of God’s love and grace whether it is through moments I take to seek Him in worship or through something unexpected like a rainbow, sunset, or song. I’m thankful for quiet days where i’m not caught up in the chaos or busyness of work and school. The days spent not speaking, but actually listening. The days I choose to look at life from a higher perspective, and can feel small and humbled, but safe and confident resting in His arms. I’m grateful that He chases after me even when I try and lead myself and figure things out on my own. I’m grateful for the unchanging, passionate love He has for me and I for Him.”

He read that tonight from the pulpit, paused and then said, “Allysar, where ever you are, I think you need to write a book or something. You are a very effective communicator through your writing. This is very powerful.” I shrank into my seat, turned bright read (thank you God the lights were dim) and started to cry. It was such an encouragment to me. We went back into worship. The band played, “Lead me to the Cross, You won’t Relent, and Came to my Rescue.” It was an amazing time of letting go and letting God in my hard heart. He showered me with so much love and I was lost in His presence. I felt like He softly but assuredly said, “That’s it, Allysar. What you’ve been looking for, you’re sign. Writing. You need to do it.” I weaped. After church, when I was leaving I made it all the way to the parking lot, got in my car, put my seat belt on, put my keys in the ignition, and stopped. I got back out. Walked all the way back in till I found Pastor Matt. We have had about 3 brief conversations in my entire life. He saw me approaching and said, “So, Allysar, you going to write a book or something?” I stopped. My eyes filled with tears and I said, “You don’t know how much of a blessing that was to me when you said that.” He look really surprised. I continued, “Writing has been a big part of my life for a very long time now. I have countless number of journals. In print and online. It’s something i’ve strongly considered going to school for.” He said, “Wow, I didn’t even know what I was saying fully when I said that. What are you thinking to major in?” I said, “I don’t know really, Journalism I suppose. Maybe at UF. They have a very good program. There is just not a bigger satisfaction to me or more fulfilling purpose I feel like when people are blessed by something God showed me and i’m able to communicate it through writing.” He said, “Do it. I’m just going to go ahead and say do it. You will never know until you step out. If it isn’t what you are supposed to do, God will lead you somewhere else, but you have to make that first step. And besides, you just said you don’t find a greater fulfillment.What are you waiting for?”

I got in my car and called my parents. I told them everything that happened. My mom told me earlier in the week when I was sharing with someone how I wanted to major in journalism, maybe do something with fashion, this person told me I needed to be a news writer. She said, “Allysar, in that moment, I just knew that whatever you do. Wherever your writing takes you, it will be greater and better than either of those things. God’s going to use it bigger than that.” My dad then got on the phone and told me who my grandpa that I never met, his dad who died young, used to be a writer. He told me he used to write every single day. He even said that he used to love reading and even owned a library before him and his brother and sisters were born. I couldn’t believe it. He was just now telling me that? I was crying. They really encouraged me, again in seeking God. I am just so excited. I can’t get away from it no matter how hard I try. I downloaded UF’s application. It’s time to get serious. I have nothing to fear. The Lord is faithful in prayer and answers. I am so blessed. So excited for Him to use me. My most un-fulfilling times in my life is when I have just been so caught up in myself and my work. I am going to take everyday differently now. I want to love Him, serve people, and reach the world. Thank you Jesus, for everything..

"Jesus is not a life enhancement. Jesus is life."

I think that's why I have struggled so much lately. He has not been my life. I have only included Him on certain parts. Certain areas. Certain times. I haven't let Him walk with me everyday, in every moment. I have only been doing things for myself.

Psalm 116

“I love the Lord for he heard my voice;
He heard my cry for mercy.
Because he turned his ear to me,
I will call on Him as long as i live!
the cords of death entangled me,
the anguish of the grave came upon me;
I was overcome by trouble and sorrow.
then I called on the name of the Lord, “O Lord, save me!”
The Lord is gracious and righteous;
our God is full of compassion.
The Lord protects the simplehearted;
when I was in great need, He saved me.
be at rest once more, O my soul,
for the Lord has been good to you.
For you O Lord have delivered my soul from death
my eyes from tears
my feet from stumbling
that I may walk before the Lord, in the land of the living.”

I'm unhappy.

I know, today of all days should not be one to complain. Of course I have a million and one things to be thankful for. I know I do. But counting my blessings today made me realize all the things that are important to me, all the things I should be valuing and taking time for. I haven't been thankful. Why is it only once a year I really stop and reflect on those things. I've just been selfish. Today I realized how much I have been trying so hard to handle things by myself. To answer my own questions. To lead my life. To figure out where i'm going to live in January. To figure out what is going on with my family. To figure out where I am going to school. What i'm going to major in. Why I still miss him so much and its been so long? Why I wasn't good enough? Why I keep having these dreams with him in it? I have forgotten the most important thing to me. I am so sick of it. I'm so sad. I'm hurting. I'm lost. I'm selfish. I'm over it. I'm hungry for more. I miss Him more. I want something more. I want help. I need help.I have been so caught up in my myself I have lost what I wanted most : For Him to be glorified in my life in everything that I do. For Him to be FIRST PRIORITY. To Him first. To put others before myself. To serve in ministry. To be last place. To be humble. Not to be seen at all, so that only He would be seen. To be a woman of God that runs after Him with everything, no matter what. To honor Him above all man. I hate feeling like this but I am so grateful to be humbled and put in my place. I'm grateful for breakdowns that bring me closer to Him. I want my life to have purpose and to serve in ministry. I've lost sight of my greater purpose. I really have. This is it. I have sought after my own ways and they have led me no where. God, I need you. I don't care if it feels like I am starting from the very bottom. If that is what it takes, i'll do it. I need You, I need You, I need You..



On a more positive note..This is what I wrote I was thankful for earlier this week.

I'm thankful for moments when i'm reminded of God's love and grace whether it is through moments I take to seek Him in worship or through something unexpected like a rainbow, sunset, or song. I'm thankful for quiet days where i'm not caught up in the chaos or busyness of work and school. The days spent not speaking, but actually listening. The days I choose to look at life from a higher perspective, and can feel small and humbled, but safe and confident resting in His arms. I'm grateful that He chases after me even when I try and lead myself and figure things out on my own. I'm grateful for the unchanging, passionate love He has for me and I for Him.